I love technology...but not as much as you you see...

So, when my husband first asked me (via text of course cuz he's a chicken and didn't want to ask me in person) if he could play on/organize a city indoor soccer team this winter I was secretly annoyed. I was like...really?! cuz you don't have enough on your plate sucka??! But tonight, I am thankful I said yes.  The house is quiet. The baby is asleep. My first born is running around a gym somewhere. My husband is pretending he is 16 again, I am fairly confident Uncle Rico is on the team they play tonight.

A lot has been happening in my mind and heart the last couple weeks but I just haven't had time or really been willing to blog about it all. Honestly, I have enjoyed so much the time I have had the last couple weeks with friends and family. The holiday weekend afforded us a couple days of purely family time. My husband even suggested we have a "no texting or facebook day" bahahaha! He changed his mind at precisely 7:34AM. We are what I would consider pretty connected people. We both have phones that alert us the moment someone has sent us an e-mail. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to make it NOT alert me when it is a viagra ad. We both know within 60 seconds if someone  has tagged us on Facebook or tweeted something about us or posted a picture of us on their blog.  We both enjoy being "in the know". I have a CNN app as well as a local news app. I just like to know what's going on around me, is that so wrong?! Probably not in and of itself; however, when it becomes more important than what's really important, it becomes a problem.  A big problem in fact.

My 4 year old slapped me square in the face yesterday (not literally...don't worry I am not that abused) on Mommy Monday.  He asked if I would color with him. I sat down at the table with him and began coloring. Not a minute had passed and "DING"my phone was notifying me of...a text, or a call or an email or a tweet or a tag or a poke or a....  My son looked at me square in the face and said "mommy, put your phone away we are coloring together!"  Whew......

See, to him if I were to answer that "ding", regardless of what it was;  I was saying to him that whatever it was was.more.important.than him! Yikes!! Oh how i need to be reminded. Even if it is from a 4 year old.  What really matters? What is worthy of my time on Mommy Monday? Can the emails wait? yep! Can I text that person back in a few moments? You betcha! Is my Facebook status really more important than coloring with my son? Heck no!  I pray that someday when my kids look back at their childhood, their parents high tech phones are not even in their memory. I pray the things they remember most are the times I spent coloring with them while my phone rang and rang and rang...

So, if you happen to call, text, tweet or Facebook me and I don't answer right away, be patient...I've got to finish this picture before I call you back.

Thank you??!

Whew…..I don’t even know how long it has been since I have been here.  My apologizes, I know you have all been eagerly awaiting my next insightful and clever post. Or...not.  You know the kind of week where the only transactions on your debit card are McDonalds, KFC, Taco Bell and Quick care? Ya…that has been my life the last two weeks.  Last week my husband was literally gone every evening of the week and then all weekend. We have also all been sick.  4 trips to quick care and one call to a doctor in one week…not bad?? The good news reality is that 3 out of 4 of us are on antibiotics now, so….just as surely as there will be snow in the valley tonight, we should all be on the mend. And, in case you were wondering we are packing up our little ones and my amazingly brave sister to head to the mountains for a weekend retreat with our teens! …and next week is Thanksgiving. And then The Living Christmas Tree…if I am still functioning by then. 

This all brings up a good point.  How do you balance all the “stuff” of life and still stay sane? That’s not a rhetorical question…I really need to know.  What usually happens to me is that we go, go, go…until we get sick, (please note this is the stage we are in right now) and then I usually completely lose my marbles and have a mental breakdown requiring lots of retail therapy and a night away with my husband so that I can be reminded yet again that I am the most important thing in his life.  Is there a way to manage it better BEFORE we get to that point? I guess the first step is awareness…and believe me sistas..I.am.aware! 

I figured out something that was pretty big for me last week.  I realized it isn’t so much that I hate it when my husband is gone, it’s more that I just want some recognition for the part I play in him being ABLE to be gone.  Ok, seriously, reading that makes me sound really selfish. I guess if we are being honest it is a really selfish thing, but…it’s how I feel.  It is raw. It is the truth. And it sucks.  Last Sunday I was dropping of the youngest of our boys in the nursery and the sweet nursery attendant said “oh..I have never even met him, he is so sweet!” She continued (to my son) “you look like such a happy baby, that’s so great because I know your daddy is busy and your mommy probably does most of the work.”  THANK YOU!  While obviously that isn’t true...I don’t do most of the work…all the time, it still was nice to hear that from someone else.  Maybe she was just spouting off words, but they were words that I needed to hear. Someone realized I have been working hard to make a way for my husband to be at all these “things”.  On Monday I finally broke down and told my husband “all I want is a simple thank you”.  I’m not asking for a new car (although I would take a Tribeca if anyone out there is feeling the spirit lead in that direction) I am not asking for a trip to Maui (although…ya know) I am not even asking for a bouquet of flowers. Just a simple “thank you” will do.

Do you ever feel that way? Sometimes it seems like it is all about our husbands jobs and there is little recognition for the people who logistically make it possible for him.  So, to you my Sister in Christ…THANK YOU! You are loved, even when you don’t feel like it!

Woops...there goes my alarm for my next dose of meds...cough cough cough.

Save the Drama for Obama

Don’t get your hopes up; this isn’t a post about politics. Although I do consider myself somewhat of a news junkie I don’t particularly enjoy the intricacies of politics. I don’t really have time in my life to argue with someone about something that we both feel strongly about.  My mom always told us…”It’s better to be kind than right”. I think that is my motto with politics. I am not going to be able to convince anyone that what I think is how they should think, so I will just be kind about it and not talk about it. So…instead of a political post, this is a post about drama.  For some reason I have a feeling I just lost all my male readers. Whatever.

As you probably know, I love Reality TV. I haven’t quite figured out WHY I love it so much. I should probably go on Dr. Phil and figure out what my deal is.  Knowing that I love Reality TV it might surprise you that I HATE real drama. I mean like drama in MY life. You know those people who it seems like there is just always some kind of drama in their life?! I am not one of those people! Ok…I guess I should put a disclaimer on that..I try really really hard NOT to be one of those people. I was at a junior high gym this week picking my nephew up from practice and got the awesome privilege of overhearing some major girl drama. This girl was in hysterics and crying because another girl kept “taking the ball away” from her in basketball practice.  Hmmm…Ok, I am no Kobe Bryant, but isn’t that the stinking POINT of basketball??! Her friends were all consoling her and telling her that she is a good player and that the girl probably didn’t do it on purpose..bla bla bla. I’m thinking….Girl, Just wait, till you have REAL drama. Ya know..like the boy you like asks another girl to the dance, or your best friend likes your brother or your friends friends cousins sister tells her mom that she thinks you are fat. Now THAT’s drama. I have been involved with students enough to know that’s just the way it is with hormonal young people.  But, oddly enough I still have such a hard time having sympathy for it.  I think it might be because I have gained a wee bit of perspective in the last 5 or so years.  I think I am finally starting to understand what really matters.  When we are young we have so little perspective that the little things seem so huge to us.  Sometimes the honest jerk in me just wants to say “just wait…wait till you have REAL drama”. Ya know..like your baby is in the hospital, ya know..like you watch one of your best friends sons go through chemo, ya know…like you don’t have money to pay the bills, ya know like…you watch kids on the streets willing to sell themselves for pennies to get food to feed their siblings, ya know like…you are 8 years old and you are the sole provider for 3 younger siblings because your parents died of hunger.  Ya know…REAL drama! 


I guess I have just been thinking lately about how life is all a matter of perspective.  Lately I have kind of lost that perspective.  It didn't take a huge revelation for me to get it back, it was actually a good friend of mine who helped me gain perspective.  He was telling me the story of a friend of his who had gone to the slums of Africa and some of the things he had seen there. Totally.Heartbreaking.  About 3 minutes later I was complaining about how about a month ago EVERYTHING. and I mean EVERYTHING on our DVR got deleted. Gone. bye-bye. never to be seen again. hasta la vista.  He looked at me and said   "talk about a 1st world complaint".  We all laughed about it, but truth be told...I quickly gained my perspective back. Man, I need this reminder so often. If you haven't notice I don't really catch on to "life lessons" quickly. I tend to have to be reminded again and again.


On that note, I am going to go watch the rest of the movie I recorded last night...if it's still on my DVR. 

3 Generation Mommy Monday

Well, it finally happened.  Our family caught the cold bug that has been plaguing our church, daycare and town. All four of us spent our last free weekend until the middle of December feeling like crud.  We mastered a lovely chorus of coughing, sniffling, sneezing and groaning with body aches.  It was actually quite pathetic.   Sunday night was the worst.  Our oldest son was coughing literally all night..which meant mommy didn’t sleep all night. Ok, that’s an exaggeration…I don’t remember seeing the 2 o’clock hour on the clock so I might have gotten a couple hours of sleep.  I do however, remember 1 o’clock, 3 o’clock, 4 o’clock, 5’oclock, and the 6 o’clock hour is when I made the decision…I needed MY mommy on mommy Monday!


So, I did what any self respecting 31 year old mother of two would do...I called for backup! I texted my mom and asked her to please come help me with the boys that day.  She was there within an hour, and she lives a half hour away! WHAT.A.BLESSING!! It's not that I couldn't have survived the day, I am sure with enough chocolate, diet pepsi and kleenexes I would have made it until my husband got home; the truth is..I didn't want to make it through the day.  I felt like I had been running a marathon and had about 7 more miles to go, or in my case 7 more hours to go.  Ok, ok..so I have never actually run a marathon, but I am guessing it feels exhausting at that point. Well, at any point past 100 meters actually :) I didn't feel like I could do it on my own.  The moment I saw my mom walk through that door I began to weep. Not just a little bit. I was crying crocodile tears. I read a quote this week that said "People cry not because they are weak, it's because they have been strong for too long" Monday was my too long. I couldn't be strong for one more day.  A sense of amazing relief came over me as my mom said "Go to bed honey."  I laid in my bed for probably 20 minutes just crying, thinking and being so grateful for a mom who didn't judge me in my weakness but rather came to help me unconditionally and with no questions asked! 


I want more than anything to be that kind of mom! I want to be the kind of mom where my boys know they can call me anytime. I want to be available to them when they need me most. I want them to never doubt that I love them more each day than I did the day before...no matter what. And I hope someday if my boys have kids when they reach their "I've been strong for too long" points, that I will be the first one they call. It's not always easy to ask for help. However, for me...it is necessary.  I can't do it all on my own. I have days when I just plain need help! 


So to my mom...Thank you! Thank you for being the kind of mom I hope to be someday. I tell my boys every night that I am so glad God chose me to be their mommy. And to my mom...I am so glad God chose YOU to be my mommy!  Thank you for a wonderful 3 generation Mommy Monday!! I love you!

The summer of darkness

First, let me preface this by saying one of my blog rules for myself is to keep it short.  I broke that rule on this one. I am sorry. Feel free to read it in parts if it's to long, but please read it. It is real. It is the truth. And it is not easy to share.  Here we go friends...

The first two years after our first son was born were difficult for me. Really difficult. Like, I felt like I couldn't breath difficult. Like, the earth was caving in around me difficult. Like, I was living in a fog difficult. You get the point.

Being a youth pastor's wife and having small children during the summer is no easy task. I used to spend my summers with my husband and the youth group traveling. We went to Taiwan, Mexico, and all over the U.S. on various trips. I loved it! And then our son was born...and life changed. Dramatically!

The summer of 2009 was the culmination of two years of wandering aimlessly for me. I couldn't seem to figure out what being a mom and being a pastor's wife looked like. All the sudden I couldn't be a part of the youth group like I had been. I didn't belong to a Sunday school class per se. I didn't have a small group. My friends were all carrying on with life as usual and I was drowning.  I was lonely, lost and miserable.

It all came to a head at the end of June 2009. My son and I actually share a birthday (lucky me). I will never forget on his 2nd birthday, my 29th birthday, my husband was out of town with the teens. I was so angry that he was gone, despite his very intentional effort to make it special for us.  I remember thinking how unfair it was that I had to spend my birthday alone (although my mom is awesome and watched the baby so I could go play-Thx mom!). I also remember thinking how unfair it was that our son could possibly have several birthdays where his dad wasn't home. That summer was one of the darkest times in my life. My son got really sick while my husband was away on that trip. He was basically screaming for 3 days straight. I felt completely alone. I felt bitter and depressed. I felt like I was suffocating within my own little world. I remember one night I was talking to my husband on the phone and I was so upset I was crying uncontrollably, the baby was crying in the other room and I had zero energy left. I remember him saying to me "Do you want me to find another job?" and I said "Yes! Yes I do!" That was one of the darkest nights of my life.  I had enough of this ministry thing. If my husband being gone on our birthday and me being alone with a sick baby was what ministry was about, I was totally out. I was done. I was ready to call it a season of our life and move on.  I was sure that my husband being in ministry was what was causing me to be miserable. A couple weeks later I went up to Alaska with my family while my husband and son stayed home. I spent 10 days just thinking and praying and trying to get a handle on what my life was about. I spent countless hours talking to my mom. I remember realizing I had to come to a decision. I was either going to be miserable about being in ministry or I was going to embrace it. Honestly, at that moment it was much easier to just be miserable. Embracing it sounded like so much work. I was too tired for that.

Obviously, my husband didn't get a new job. He was (thankfully) too wise for that. He saw that it was  just a season for me. Unfortunately, it's a season that often tries to rear its ugly head again and again in my life. It's Satan's way of attacking our marriage, our home and my relationship with God.

I wish I could say 2 years later things are always easy. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Is it easy every day? Nope. Are there days I wish my husband did something else? Yep. Are there times I have no clue what I am doing? Of course. But, there is something about my husband living his dream in ministry that gives me strength when I feel like I have nothing else to give. I can say with confidence that my husband is being faithful to what God has called him to. I know that God knows the struggles I deal with, yet He STILL called my husband to this ministry life. His plan must be bigger than what I can see. The biggest thing I learned is that I wasn't miserable BECAUSE my husband was in ministry, I was miserable because I wasn't allowing God to shape my heart by the frustrations I had. Instead, I was allowing satan to twist my frustrations. I began to believe the lie that my frustrations were because my husband was in ministry. Some how my human mind really believed if he was doing something else I would be happy. Huh. Where do I come up with these things?! Once I finally got over myself and realized the feelings I had that summer were not from God, He slowly but surely began molding my heart. Today, I finally feel like I am able to breath almost as well as I did before that summer. God has been so faithful to be patient with me.

By the way....my husband has made a promise that he will never be gone on our birthday again. Sometimes that simple promise is all I need to get through the day.

Changing Seasons...

Naturally there are at least 5 things I can think of off the top of my head that I should be doing right now instead of blogging. But guess what?! I.don't.care.  My husband and oldest boy are at church, the baby is asleep (at least I think he is) and all I can hear is my itunes, the washing machine and Jazbar's wheel. Perfect background to process what I have been thinking the last couple days.

We are lucky enough to live in a place that has 4 very distinct seasons. Although the temperature hasn't gotten the memo yet (it's been in the 70's lately) it is fall.  The leaves are changing colors and falling and pumpkins are only .18/lb.  The Halloween costumes for the boys are settled on and I still have no clue what I am going to be.  I was thinking about being a sister wife but I wasn't sure how that would look.  That's for another blog.

As I was driving home from Wendy's tonight, of course...it's Wed. I got the famous text "I have to be at church early can we just meet at Wendy's for dinner?"...Sure honey...3 times in one week at Wendy's isn't bad.  Ugh!!! I digress.  I was driving home with the baby and noticed the beautiful fall colors. It got me thinking about seasons.  Man have I had a lot of different seasons in my life. I sure wish life was guaranteed only 4 seasons, wouldn't that be nice? Not the case my friends.  I began mentally going through the different seasons in my life and here is what I came up with in the short drive from Wendy's to my house:

*There was a time when I said I would never date anyone who was in ministry.  There was a time I said I never wanted to be in ministry. There was a time I LOVED what we were doing and felt God moving in such a powerful way. There was a time I was literally going to give up on ministry all together (blog to come).  And today...I am feeling content where we are in ministry.

*There was a time I could not wait to have kids.  There was a time I was so angry at God because I was pregnant.  There was a time I was devastated at the loss of that child.  There was a time I did not want kids at all. There  was a time I was beyond excited to be pregnant. There was a time I was totally nervous about being a mom.  And today...I am overjoyed with the boys I have, although some days I am so tired it's hard to see the joy.

*There was at time I never wanted to work outside the home.  There was a time I couldn't wait to finally find a job. There was a time I was miserable and wanted to quit my job.  There was a time I was not sure God had the perfect job for me.  And today...I am completely overwhelmed with God's grace in providing the job I have. Although, there are days....

*There was a time when I wanted as many friends and I could get.  There was a time I didn't care who my friends were as long as they claimed me at the lunch table.  There was a time I had friends who didn't care about me either.  There was a time when friends mattered more than life.  There was a time I was alone and would have been happy with one friend. There was a time when I realized...true friends are hard to come by.  And today...I feel like I have finally gotten to the point in my life that I can truly say I would rather have one faithful and true friend than 100 fake friends.

One of my blogging rules is to keep it short, so I'll stop.

The problem with seasons is they are always changing.  Whether I am in a good season or a bad season, it is inevitable that it will not last long.  I guess I better enjoy whatever season I am in tonight.  And tonight it happens to be a quiet season at my house (at least for another hour or so), I am headed to get some skittles and watch some Sister Wives.

Perfect World vs The Real World

In college we used to get the week before finals off of class to study. We called it "dead week." This was my "dead week" of blogging. Unfortunately, it was anything but quiet for me.  The week started with a raging headache.  Awesome. Said headache decided to make its home right under my left eye for about two days. Miserable.  I had posted on Facebook that I had a bad headache and a couple people kindly offered advice such as "come sit in my hot tub""take a hot bath in the dark quiet"...this got me thinking about the Perfect World and the Real World. See, in the perfect world if I had a headache I would be able to rest and relax.  In the Real World...I had teens coming over for dinner in an hour, a cake to bake, my husband wasn't home, the baby was screaming, I needed a shower and my I could feel my heart beating in my head.

In a Perfect world I would have had one night home this week as a family to take a bike ride or watch a movie together. In the real world we had something we were responsible for Mon-Thurs nights this week.

In a perfect world I would have gotten off at 3:00 on Friday so I could have come home and taken a nap to catch up on rest from the crazy week.  In the real world I got off work at 3:00 on Friday and found 3 boys full of energy asking me..."what do you wanna do tonight...huh?huh?huh?"

In a perfect world I would have gotten all of my Bible studies done before my Bible study on Wed. night. (we get two weeks to do 5 lessons mind you).  In the real world I stayed up late on Tuesday night to get 3 of the 5 lessons done before Wed. night.

In a perfect world we would have had dinner and been at the church by 6:30 on Wed. night. In the real world we went straight from work to Wendys and scarfed down too many calories and barely made it to church by 6:30. Not even time for a frosty, much to my sons dismay!

In a perfect world I would have been able to show my 4 year old what amazing directional skills I have and how I can master my way out of any maze that comes my way.  In the real world I was completely lost in a corn maze with my 4  year old screaming and shaking from being so scared while I was attempting to carry his 50 pound body through the mud and corn.  P.S. those corn mazes are freaky! I literally had my compass on my phone out trying to figure out how to get outta that thing. Luckily a Corn Cop came and directed us out. I'm going to be honest, if I was lost in one of those things with a baby I absolutely would have called 911 too!!

In a perfect world my 4 year old would be asleep right now.  In the real world my 4 year old is being threatened within an inch of his life because he has gotten out of bed 6 times already. (Please don't call CPS we aren't really going to kill him-it's a figure of speech)

I guess the more I think about it...I don't live in a perfect world. But, it is MY world and it is the world God has entrusted me with. I guess I better stop wishing for the perfect world and start living with a grateful heart in the real world.  Or at least in the perfect world I would do that.